The Best Pokemon Trainer Ever
by frajfraj
Summary: This is the story about the best pokemon trainer and how he totally kicks major ass and straight up destroys everyone.
1. The Very Very Beginning

It was five oclock when mom woke me up. Stupid ho. She said some dumb crap like –Roooobeeeert, its your tenth birthday, you know what that means!!!!- and I was mad. She had no right to get me out of bed. I peeked out from under the covers to yell at her –Shut UP MOM!!!!- Then I went back under my comforter fortress.

-Um…Rooobeeert, you get Pokemon today, remember? A nice, happy Pokemon! You can finally be a trainer just like your father!-

I was pretty pissed and I screamed –Yeah my DEAD father! Pokemon freaking SUCK. Theyre gay and happy and even the cool ones are still douchebags, like the one that killed dad!!!- I diappeared back under the covers.

-Um…but you HAVE to be a Pokemon trainer…we don't want you anymore…I mean…honey…just…I have bacon ready!-

Well whatever.

I got up out of bed and walked over in my Elmo pajamas to the kitchen. Yeah. Elmo pajamas. Not Pikachu, Pikachu is gay. Every other kid in my stupid Pokemon class has Pokemon pajamas and I always go WHAT THE HELL? That's like…animal pajamas. Im going to wear pajamas with a skink on it. Heck no. That is for gay little people and their gay little skinks.

-The bacon smells horrible, mom- I lied. But mom was pissing me off lately with this crap like –Honey, all boys become Pokemon trainers here in Kanto,- and –Honey, please stop burning Mr. Mime,- and even dumber stuff like –Honey, all little boys leave home some day.- That's stupid. Maybe if I was like…eighteen. A citizen maybe. But ten? Come on, that's ridiculous. I was scrawny as hell and some creepy guy could rape me.

But it was breakfast time. Two hours before I had to get to the stupid lab. Mom just sat their smiling her stupid smile. Stupid mom.

-Um…well…have you thought about what Pokemon you want?-

I put down my fork and threw the stupid plate of bacon across the room. –I DON'T WANT ANY POKEMON AND YOU CANT MAKE ME GO GET ANY STUPID POKEMON AND I HATE YOU AND YOURE A STUPID HO!!!-

It turned out she could make me and I was at the stupid lab with a lot of people standing around and I didn't know who the hell they were. Stupid people. And there was some guy, some doctor or something, standing in the doorway of the building, and then mom asked – Are you ready to behave so I can take off the chains and you can go in and get your Pokemon?- I thought for a minute. Be in chains, or abuse small animals?

It might not be so bad, sending tiny little life forms to kill each other.

-Okay, mom, Ill be a good trainer I swear.- She looked so happy, but ha, ha, if she only knew I wasn't. I thought about selling it. But I didn't even know what kind Id get, maybe a Snorgle or a Pidgay or something, whatever. I didn't care.

-Greeting, I am professor Oak, the leading researcher on…-

-DON'T CARE- I interrupted. I like interrupting. Especially crusty old men in white jackets. –Give me my damn pokemon.-

The stupid old guy seemed confused and he twiddled his thumbs and put on this weird face and looked at mom. (Professor Oak: Sigh. That is all). Then he shrugged and did this weird smile and kept talking.

-Okay, um…whats your name?-

Robert. R-o-b-e-r-m-l-x-…f-…t. Robert. Robert Higgins.

-My names not as gay as yours, Professor Gay!- That was funny stuff. He didn't laugh, he just kind of changed subjects.

-Well, strange little boy, lets go see what Pokemon I have for you to choose from. Have you thought about which one you would like?- I thought for a minute and then I stopped because I really, really hate thinking.

-Uh…I don't know any Pokemans,- I said, -But I want something that can kill a lot of people. Like maybe something with fire or flames of big-ass teeth of some shit like that. You got that? Some fiery teeth pokeman?- The guy looked confused again and worried or something but I was getting really tired of this.

-Um, little boy, PokeMON are not for killing or bad violence, they are for friendship and the idea of good…- I cut him off again because I think old people shouldn't talk.

-GIVE ME A POKEMAN. GIVE ME ONE WITH FIRE OR ILL PUNCH YOUR BUTT HOLE!!!- That shut him up, and man, I was out of there fast with my very first pokemon. I didn't even know it was called, or how to get it out of the stupid ball, but I wanted to go home and play Solitaire on my computer so I shoved it into my pocket and went back home and forgot about it for a while.

(stay tuned)


	2. Some Crap Happens

First off, Solitaire is the shiz. I must have played solitaire for like, ninety hours. And then I had to let a big huge crap so I did, and when I did I met mom in the hall. I hate her, did you know? Yeah, she is a total fag. Thats probably why dad died is because he didnt want to be around that stupid ho anymore.

-Um, honey? Um...what are you doing here? I thought you got your Pokemon and were going to go off into the world and train, and learn, and leave me alone oh dear God...-

-Well, mom. I dont WANT TO. And Solitaire is at least a million times better than anything else and I want some bacon right now too, and...- Then it was weird, because, usually, I cut people off but this time mom cut me off and got this REALLY wicked weird look on her face and she grabbed my shirt and pulled out one of the kitchen knives from somewhere, I dont even know where the poop she could have been hiding it, but it was REALLY sharp and she was breathing really hard and holding it up to my face and I peed in my pants and cried some.

-YOU WILL LEAVE...NOW!!! YOU #t$ING DISGRACE!!! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN OR I WILL CUT EVERY LAST ONE OF YOUR PATHETIC ARTERIES- I was just thinking Whatever, stupid. But I cried and screamed and ran away, but that was only to make her think I was chicken of her sharp knife, I swear.

So that was pretty much how I started. But good thing I was leaving, because Pallet Town sucks major whale dong, and theres nothing to do, just some guy standing around that walks in a rectangular pattern, and like...two houses. Or seven. I cant really count but so what? You dont HAVE to count to be the best fuggin Pokeman trainer ever.

Which reminded me. I took the stupid red ball out of my pocket and tried to open it, but the stupid shit wouldnt budge, so I threw is against a tree and all this light and stuff happened, and I pissed my pants again, and it was some kind of stupid giant lizard thing going -ChA CHAR CHAA!-. It just sat there with a stupid fiery tail and looked at me like it wanted some food or something. Hell no, Im not feeding this freak.

-So what, can you talk or what? Or are you too retarded?-

-Chaar!! Charmander!! Char!!-

-What? What the hell is a Charmander? Speak English, you stupid prick.-

-CharMANder! CHARmander! Char char mander char!-

Then I just sat there, realizing they must have given me a retarded Pokemon. Dammit. Thats not funny, you dont hand out retarded animals.

-Come on, stupid fag, Im going to trade you back to Professor Gay-oak for a Chargledon or soemthing better.-

-Char?-

-NO, NOT CHAR!! NOTHING IS CHARRING!! DAMMIT I HATE YOU COME ON!!!-

The stupid orange thing kind of whimpered and followed me like a stupid lost puppy, the entire five paces to Professor Oaks Lab. I always wondered WHY would a magical Pokeman lab be in this stupid tiny town, and why didnt the houses have yards? This place isnt even big enough to be a subdivision, much less a town. Jesus, Kanto sucks.

I knocked on the door, and Professor Oak came to the door, and saw me, and then he closed the door a little and started sweating. Old people are fuggin gross.

-Um...hello...have your adventures been...um...nice?-

-NO! YOU STUPID OLD ASS YOU GAVE ME A RETARDED POKEMON AND I HATE IT AND I WANT A CHARGLEDON NOW!!!-

-Um...it is not retarded, little boy. I promise, why Charmander is a very intelligent Pokemon, capable of using its fire techniques to...-

-I dont CARE. I WANT A CHARGLEDON!!!-

-Okay, please, stop yelling.-

-If I stop yelling will you take this retarded hunk of flaming shit back and give me a Chargledon already?-

-There is no such thing as a Chargledon, and Charmander is NOT retarded! He has the amazing ability to manipulate the fire on his tail and...-

-Okay, stupid old guy, give it to me in laymans terms.-

-Charmander can burn stuff. Go have fun with it. And no pokemon can talk.-

Then I started to think. But I never finished because thinking still pretty much blows. Completely like, utterly totally blows.

-You mean...this retarded lizard dude can kill stuff with fire?-

The Charman or whatever was sitting behind me not doing anything. It was just standing. It wasnt even saying its stupid word over and over.

-Um...yes, but only if you leave me alone.-

-Well how do I make it work? It there a button? Do I press its paw?-

-No, little boy...um...look you just tell it what to do and it does it, okay? Bye.-

The annoying old guy closed the door and the retarded lizard thing just stood there.

-Whats your name, lizard thing?

-Charmander!!!

-Well that name blows. Your name is Frank now.

-Charmander!!!

-NO FRANK, DAMMIT!!! FRANK!!!

-Char?

-FUCKING FRANK!!! DAMN DAMN DAMN POOPOO POOP! YOUR NAME IS FRANK!

It just stood there and I was getting super pissed. Stupid professor and his stupid retarded Pokemon. I HATE pokemon. Especially stupid Pokemans that sit there and cant say anything, even if they can burn stuff.

Wait...

Burn stuff...

-Hey Frank, can you shoot fire out of your butt or something?

The animal opened its mouth and shot some extremely awesome fire into the air.

-Hey, Frank, burn down the lab, please. And then maybe I wont tie you to the railroad tracks.

Frank nodded his head and started shooting his fire at the wall and the next part is friggin RAD. The whole building just burned and the old guy and his two gay assistants just RAN out of there, on fire and everything, and I think they died, because they stopped screaming and twitching, and then the fire spread and the other house caught on fire..and then the other one,..and then I thought I heard mom scream...

-Uh...Frank, I think mom is going to shoot us or something, or cut our arteries, we need to get out of here. Can you fly or dig in the ground or some cool shit like that?

-Char.

-DAMMIT, ITS YES OR NO AND TELL ME THE RIGHT ANSWER OR I WILL THROW YOU ON THE GROUND AND KICK YOU AND THEN PUNCH YOU AND I WILL ACTUALLY START BITING YOUR HEAD UNTIL YOU DIE.-

It started walking off, and I followed, because the whole town was kind of burning down. Oh well, nobody gives a crap about a stupid Pallet Town. What the hell does PALLET town even mean? Whatever, I hate Kanto.

So I guess we walked off in to some grassy area, which sucks, because I hate grass, and then, off in the distance, there was a shadow of some animal or something.

Anyway Im tired of writing this dumb thing so Ill tell you the rest tomorrow or something.

(It will be continued.)


End file.
